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When you and your partner strive to be givers and not takers, doing so generates positive feelings. Giving attracts. Oppositely, selfishness repels.

After two individuals have lived together for a long time, physical attraction is gradually overshadowed by emotional appeal.

When you and your partner appear in each other’s minds as an “emotionally attractive and desirable individual,” you will enjoy being with each other in many ways; camaraderie, planning activities, working, playing, romance and sex.

The single best way to become attractive and desirable to your partner is through successful giving.

Giving convinces your partner that you love and care for him or her, he or she will naturally be attracted to you in all ways.

Giving seems simple, but it not always is. Successful giving is measured not by the giver, but by the receiver.

A startled husband says to his wife, “I thought you wanted a toaster.” She replies, “Yes, but not for my birthday.”

People have “love triggers.” If you want to succeed in giving, make sure you push a love trigger. Pushing a “love trigger” makes your partner feel loved and cared for.

For example, one person may feel loved if they are taken to a pleasant place, another receiving a gift, another person when you give them a helping-hand, and another providing them with a delicious meal. These are all acts of “giving” and each one when matched to the desires of the recipient pushes a love trigger.

In my Marriage and Committed Relationship Improvement Clinic, I have seen countless well-meaning individuals confuse what ‘they want’ with what they assume their partner wants. However, we are all individuals and what you want, likely is NOT what your partner wants.

She bought him a beautiful tie because she loves clothes. He doesn’t like clothing. For him, putting on clothes is a chore and not something to focus on. A silk tie had no value for him. In his mind, the fact that his wife bought him a tie means she doesn’t know him, and so he was now upset with her!

He bought her an exercise bike. He knows being overweight is unhealthy and that it bothers her.  She was insulted thinking he was upset with her weight. She wondered that perhaps he no longer finds her attractive. Instead of pushing a “love trigger,” he pushed the “rejection trigger!”

She always makes it a point to ask him detailed questions about his day at work. She appreciates when he asks her. He gets angry when she asks him.  He wants to forget about his work experience when he comes home and feels when she asks about his day, she is insensitive to his feelings.

Sometimes failing to push a love trigger is because of poor communication.

He looked at a tourist brochure and asked, “Do you want to go to the Wood Working Museum.  She said, “Fine.”  After investing travel time to and from the Wood Working Museum and a couple of hours in the museum itself, to his surprise (and horror) she told him she really didn’t want to go to the Wood Working Museum. When he had asked her if ‘she wanted to go to the Wood Working Museum,’ she thought that meant he wanted to go. When he asked her if she wanted to go to the Wood Working Museum, he really wanted to know was did ‘she wanted to go,’ and if she did, he would take her as a gift of kindness, as a way to push her love trigger. He had no interest in going to the Wood Working Museum. He was responding to an earlier complaint when she said he ‘never takes her anywhere.’ Each thought they were giving to the other! In the end, each got nothing except frustration, irritation, and unnecessary loss of time.

You can make your marriage great. Learn your partner’s love triggers; ask questions, observe, learn from experience. Pushing love triggers is what makes you emotionally attractive and desired by your partner.

If you and your partner have been in conflict and there is tension between the two of you, pushing each other’s love triggers is an excellent way to leave the past behind and restart your once happy marriage.

How do you achieve a marriage or committed relationship a reboot? Increase your “giving.”

When you and your partner continually give, this will create a momentum that will culminate in positive thinking about each other which is at the core of a happy marriage.

To quicken the positive results of your decision to be givers, try this simple exercise:

At a time when you and your partner won’t be disturbed, take a pen and write at the top of a sheet of paper, “I feel loved and cared for when you:”  Now list the things your partner can do to make you feel loved and cared for. Your partner should do the same.

After you have completed your list, the two of you should exchange them. With your partner’s list in your hands, use it for a reference guide and do for your partner at least one item each day as a gift. The more love triggers you push; the quicker and more complete your relationship will be rehabilitated.

When you continue to push your partner’s love triggers over many months and years, you will have a loving, passionate, and long-lasting relationship.

Your marriage or committed relationship is your greatest investment. Protect it by making sure the love remains alive throughout its duration —  be a giver!

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